The Ten Worst Films of 2016

Written by Nelson Cumming

People who say that Batman vs. Superman is the worst film of 2016 are funny people in my mind. Especially having seen what I have seen. It’s like complaining to a war veteran that you lost your job and that was the worst moment in your life.

Yes, I have found ten movies that were worse than Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It was, believe it or not, very easy. I didn’t even have to see Nine Lives (Retitled Mr. Fuzzypants in Australia) to get to ten before Batman vs Superman.

In celebration of dump months coming around the corner, let us get to the ten worst films of the year.

10. The Divergent Series: Allegiant.

Image result for allegiant movie

Kicking off with the dumbest protagonist of the year is Allegiant. All I remember from the film is really bad acting and the protagonist played by Shailene Woodley believes that the antagonist (Jeff Daniels) is a good guy despite it being clunkily obvious that he was the villain.

What is worse is that I really don’t care about this franchise, yet they split it into two parts. “Ascendent” is the final installment which comes out this year. Allegiant was a massive two hours of vacuous wasted space. I am not confident that “Ascendent” will break that trend at all.

9. Zoolander 2

Image result for zoolander 2

I gave this movie way too much credit in my initial review. I think that it was because it looked good in comparison to a movie I saw earlier that topped the list. I was desensitized at that point and yet I still knew this was an unfunny mess.

Zoolander 2 should be retitled “How to kill a crowd in 30 minutes”. It was a fifteen-year reunion people wanted. Then they didn’t want it. I saw the trailer and I was excited to see it. That is until I started watching the movie…

After about the 30 minute mark in my screening, the general vibe in the room changed. After 30 minutes of unfunny gags, the audience realized the movie wasn’t going to be funny at all. I felt it in the air. It was such a disappointment considering it was a classic all-star comedic cast being unfunny for over 90 minutes.

8. Warcraft

Image result for warcraft movie

On the opening scene of Warcraft which featured the weirdest and the most blatant ripoff of the opening scene of The Lion King, I wanted this movie to be so campy. Instead, it was a boring special effect show that was made “for the fans”

When I see a movie that is marketed “for the fans” I immediately resent it because I won’t get the references. It’s like some comedian telling inside jokes for his act: You just don’t get it.

It was so boring that I was constantly distracted by the tooth rings on the Orcs. You could tell an orc was a veteran of combat if they had a larger tooth ring piercing. I am not making this up.

7. Gods of Egypt

Image result for gods of egypt scenes

Speaking of the special effects show, Gods of Egypt was a CGI shitshow. I wish I could say it was funny in its badness but I can’t. It gets so boring and its over 120 minutes long. It cost more than 100 million dollars. This was the biggest blockbuster disaster of the year.

Gods of Egypt is a movie in which all the Egyptians speak British accents (Except for Gerard Butler who uses Scottish accent), the dialogue and acting are so forced and the editing is so choppy. It gets really funny for all the wrong reasons. Then it stops becoming funny.

6. Fifty Shades of Black

Image result for fifty shades of black scenes

How this film is only number six is a great mystery I have not decoded. I kept thinking “How the hell was there five films worse than Fifty Shades of Black” I watched this on DVD. I paused after 24 minutes as I had enough material. I then decided to be a true movie critic and continue watching. It got worse and I regretted it.

Fifty Shades of Black has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. It is painfully unfunny. One of the lines was “Smell my breath, that is the smell of Christian Black’s balls after two hours of racketball”

This is also the last movie of Florance Henderson (That mother in the Brady Bunch) Alan Rickman was lucky to leave with Eye in the Sky. Henderson clearly wasn’t so lucky.

5. Mothers Day

Image result for mothers day film

Speaking of deaths at unfortunate times, Mothers Day was the last movie Garry Marshall directed. Henderson in Fifty Shades of Black was just a cameo. Marshall’s Mothers Day was the whole thing.

It strains for so much poignancy that its eye-rolling and Marshall has a tin ear for tonal consistency. There are kids crying over their mother’s grave with tears on her tombstone. The next scene is a party with their dad raping to karaoke and everyone is having a good time. It goes up and down like a yo-yo

The movie looks bleak. The product placement is shameful. The stand-up comedian wins the competition because he brought his baby on stage (He doesn’t say anything that’s funny). This is a movie that was so frustrating to watch that I strongly considered leaving the overly sugary tripe. I stayed right through the end but I left during the outtakes.

4. Amateur Night

Image result for amateur night

This was hell to watch. It starts off with cliched melodrama and it ends with Jason Biggs getting vaginal fluids on his face. That is as philosophical as it gets. There are three girls peeing on a guy and Janet Montgomery gives a hate-filled performance.

To summarize this film I’ll paraphrase a quote from Socrates “The unexamined cunt is a life not worth living” and a paraphrased quote from Jesus Christ “Let the one among you who is without money be the first to be urinated upon”

3. Norm of the North

Image result for twerking polar bear

I am not giving Rob Schneider a pass because he is playing a twerking polar bear. I am also not giving this film a pass because it was meant to be distributed straight to DVD. I watched this crap knowing it was going to be terrible and it was worse than what I expected.

It’s inoffensiveness could not break through the crappiest animation that I have ever seen in a movie. Nor could it break through its overly zany tone, crappy plot and inconsistent internal logic. Also, the gags are so childish and over-the-top that a child wouldn’t believe it.

I wonder why this movie didn’t see the bottom of a Walmart bin. Better yet, why did this film not see the bottom of a garbage bin? It gives a new meaning to the saying “squeeze every penny”

2, Cabin Fever

Image result for Cabin fever 2016

Travis Z made a remake of a bad horror movie from 14 years ago shot for shot, except it is even cheaper looking. The blood looked like paint. I really don’t understand this movie. It had basic movie errors in sound and no one wanted a second helping, let alone a remake of Cabin Fever.

This film grossed less than $40,000. That is how I know no one wanted to see it,

1. Dirty Grandpa

Image result for Dirty Grandpa prison

To paraphrase a quote from the Dirty Grandpa “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” this movie. Robert De Nero: Why? Zac Efron: Why? Aubrey Plaza: Why?

Dirty Grandpa is absolutely relentless. One gag after another. Gags about prison rape, child molestation, masturbation, anti-semintism, hedonism, crack, pot smocking, thumbs shoved up butts repeatedly and dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks.

All of that would have been fine had it been funny and smart instead of tacky and revolting.

Instead, we get characters who are just assholes with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The funny thing in Dirty Grandpa is that it’s a story where no supporting character attempts to save it. They just make it worse. 20 minutes in I mentally quit. The movie didn’t hear me submit.

Epilogue

With all the celebrity deaths this year, I prayed that this was not DeNero’s swan song of his professional career. It wasn’t. But I guess that leaves me with a departing message to any actor before they take a role:

If this is your last role, will you be happy with it?

Let us learn through the deaths of Garry Marshall and Florance Henderson. Let us learn to be better people that can do better things. Be a part in some of the best movies of your carrier.  I don’t know if Robert DeNero and Zac Efron would be happy if these photos below would be their last.

2016 has been a shitty year. It can’t get any worse in 2017, can it?

dirty-grandpa-3

dirty-grandpa-6

dirty-grandpa-4

dirty-grandpa-2

 

Dirty Grandpa 1.PNG

dirty-grandpa-5

Imagine if it does…

Advertisements

Amateur Night: No. Just No.

“Based on a true story… mostly” is the subtext of the Amateur Night title card. Once I saw that I knew they were going to use creative license so much that it’s not even funny. I later found out that the story is directed by the people who have involved in the true story themselves.

The key question I asked myself about Amateur Night wasn’t “Is most of this story really based off a true story?” it was “Why did this story need to be told?” because, to tell you the truth, I wish I hadn’t seen it.

So anyway the story is Guy (played by Jason Biggs whose career is in freefall) is an architect who is struggling to find a job and with a baby on the way. He gets a job on Craigslist to drive prostitutes to bachelor parties and acting like a pimp in his pink salmon shirt.

In come the sight gags.

Image result for amateur night
One of the cleaner scenes of the Biggs cleaning dildos. I decided for the view not to show the zip-lock bag all the dildos came in

So Guy does these things for the prostitutes that only a desperate man would do. He cleans all their dildos and there are a lot; he gets squirted in the face (You can imagine the source of the squirting) and collects all the money and the panties from the floor during the bachelor party.

This is one-half the problem with Amateur Night. They just settle for gross. When an R-rated sex comedy decides to go for the easy laughs it is just so tasteless. A note to filmmakers: the more tasteless you are, the smarter you have to be. When you are tasteless and stupid, your movie becomes horrible and it turns into a pissing contest to see how horrible you can be.

When a sex comedy decides to dabble in bodily fluids just for shock value you get no winners but the most morbid of people. There are piss, vaginal fluid, and lube gags in this movie. None of it comes off as funny. Some scenes like when Guy is cleaning all the dildos are elongated, cringeworthy and painful to watch.

Despite all the unfunny and lazy sight gags, it wasn’t the worst part of the movie.

Yes, you heard me.

The most hateful performance of the year: Janet Montgomery.

Montgomery is just lucky this movie is so small and so forgettable that it won’t damage her career irreparably.

Nikki (Janet Montgomery) is the lead prostitute and I absolutely hated her. From the time she is introduced to the very end, I hated her. I hated her so much. There is a scene in which she blackmails Guy into continuing being the host of the bachelor party. From that moment on I had a seething hate to the point of no return. At the end, the film embodies the “hooker with a heart of gold” cliche in a sad and pathetic attempt to care for her. She was completely mean-spirited with no leanings that she was anything but.

It wasn’t that Montgomery was a bad actress but just her character embodied vile manipulation to the point where I not only detested her but the whole movie. She crossed the line from dumb raunchy comedy to dumb and hateful raunchy comedy. With the combination of dumb sex jokes, bodily fluids, and Montgomery’s performance, Amateur night reminded me of Dirty Grandpa and that’s really saying something.

In my eyes, Amateur Night was merely a vanity project created by a couple to tell their own story and the actors are there so desperate for a paycheck. Biggs hasn’t made a movie in four years and the directors Lisa Addario and Joe Syracuse are a real life couple retelling their own experiences living in Hollywood in this hot mess.

At the end of Amateur Night, I thought of a song called “Lost in Hollywood” where the main line was “All you maggots smoking fags on Hollywood Boulevard” because sometimes I wonder how some movies in Hollywood get made. This was just the epitome or a bad sex comedy turned horrible -*1/2