The Ten Worst Films of 2016

Written by Nelson Cumming

People who say that Batman vs. Superman is the worst film of 2016 are funny people in my mind. Especially having seen what I have seen. It’s like complaining to a war veteran that you lost your job and that was the worst moment in your life.

Yes, I have found ten movies that were worse than Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It was, believe it or not, very easy. I didn’t even have to see Nine Lives (Retitled Mr. Fuzzypants in Australia) to get to ten before Batman vs Superman.

In celebration of dump months coming around the corner, let us get to the ten worst films of the year.

10. The Divergent Series: Allegiant.

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Kicking off with the dumbest protagonist of the year is Allegiant. All I remember from the film is really bad acting and the protagonist played by Shailene Woodley believes that the antagonist (Jeff Daniels) is a good guy despite it being clunkily obvious that he was the villain.

What is worse is that I really don’t care about this franchise, yet they split it into two parts. “Ascendent” is the final installment which comes out this year. Allegiant was a massive two hours of vacuous wasted space. I am not confident that “Ascendent” will break that trend at all.

9. Zoolander 2

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I gave this movie way too much credit in my initial review. I think that it was because it looked good in comparison to a movie I saw earlier that topped the list. I was desensitized at that point and yet I still knew this was an unfunny mess.

Zoolander 2 should be retitled “How to kill a crowd in 30 minutes”. It was a fifteen-year reunion people wanted. Then they didn’t want it. I saw the trailer and I was excited to see it. That is until I started watching the movie…

After about the 30 minute mark in my screening, the general vibe in the room changed. After 30 minutes of unfunny gags, the audience realized the movie wasn’t going to be funny at all. I felt it in the air. It was such a disappointment considering it was a classic all-star comedic cast being unfunny for over 90 minutes.

8. Warcraft

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On the opening scene of Warcraft which featured the weirdest and the most blatant ripoff of the opening scene of The Lion King, I wanted this movie to be so campy. Instead, it was a boring special effect show that was made “for the fans”

When I see a movie that is marketed “for the fans” I immediately resent it because I won’t get the references. It’s like some comedian telling inside jokes for his act: You just don’t get it.

It was so boring that I was constantly distracted by the tooth rings on the Orcs. You could tell an orc was a veteran of combat if they had a larger tooth ring piercing. I am not making this up.

7. Gods of Egypt

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Speaking of the special effects show, Gods of Egypt was a CGI shitshow. I wish I could say it was funny in its badness but I can’t. It gets so boring and its over 120 minutes long. It cost more than 100 million dollars. This was the biggest blockbuster disaster of the year.

Gods of Egypt is a movie in which all the Egyptians speak British accents (Except for Gerard Butler who uses Scottish accent), the dialogue and acting are so forced and the editing is so choppy. It gets really funny for all the wrong reasons. Then it stops becoming funny.

6. Fifty Shades of Black

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How this film is only number six is a great mystery I have not decoded. I kept thinking “How the hell was there five films worse than Fifty Shades of Black” I watched this on DVD. I paused after 24 minutes as I had enough material. I then decided to be a true movie critic and continue watching. It got worse and I regretted it.

Fifty Shades of Black has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. It is painfully unfunny. One of the lines was “Smell my breath, that is the smell of Christian Black’s balls after two hours of racketball”

This is also the last movie of Florance Henderson (That mother in the Brady Bunch) Alan Rickman was lucky to leave with Eye in the Sky. Henderson clearly wasn’t so lucky.

5. Mothers Day

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Speaking of deaths at unfortunate times, Mothers Day was the last movie Garry Marshall directed. Henderson in Fifty Shades of Black was just a cameo. Marshall’s Mothers Day was the whole thing.

It strains for so much poignancy that its eye-rolling and Marshall has a tin ear for tonal consistency. There are kids crying over their mother’s grave with tears on her tombstone. The next scene is a party with their dad raping to karaoke and everyone is having a good time. It goes up and down like a yo-yo

The movie looks bleak. The product placement is shameful. The stand-up comedian wins the competition because he brought his baby on stage (He doesn’t say anything that’s funny). This is a movie that was so frustrating to watch that I strongly considered leaving the overly sugary tripe. I stayed right through the end but I left during the outtakes.

4. Amateur Night

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This was hell to watch. It starts off with cliched melodrama and it ends with Jason Biggs getting vaginal fluids on his face. That is as philosophical as it gets. There are three girls peeing on a guy and Janet Montgomery gives a hate-filled performance.

To summarize this film I’ll paraphrase a quote from Socrates “The unexamined cunt is a life not worth living” and a paraphrased quote from Jesus Christ “Let the one among you who is without money be the first to be urinated upon”

3. Norm of the North

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I am not giving Rob Schneider a pass because he is playing a twerking polar bear. I am also not giving this film a pass because it was meant to be distributed straight to DVD. I watched this crap knowing it was going to be terrible and it was worse than what I expected.

It’s inoffensiveness could not break through the crappiest animation that I have ever seen in a movie. Nor could it break through its overly zany tone, crappy plot and inconsistent internal logic. Also, the gags are so childish and over-the-top that a child wouldn’t believe it.

I wonder why this movie didn’t see the bottom of a Walmart bin. Better yet, why did this film not see the bottom of a garbage bin? It gives a new meaning to the saying “squeeze every penny”

2, Cabin Fever

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Travis Z made a remake of a bad horror movie from 14 years ago shot for shot, except it is even cheaper looking. The blood looked like paint. I really don’t understand this movie. It had basic movie errors in sound and no one wanted a second helping, let alone a remake of Cabin Fever.

This film grossed less than $40,000. That is how I know no one wanted to see it,

1. Dirty Grandpa

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To paraphrase a quote from the Dirty Grandpa “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” this movie. Robert De Nero: Why? Zac Efron: Why? Aubrey Plaza: Why?

Dirty Grandpa is absolutely relentless. One gag after another. Gags about prison rape, child molestation, masturbation, anti-semintism, hedonism, crack, pot smocking, thumbs shoved up butts repeatedly and dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks.

All of that would have been fine had it been funny and smart instead of tacky and revolting.

Instead, we get characters who are just assholes with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The funny thing in Dirty Grandpa is that it’s a story where no supporting character attempts to save it. They just make it worse. 20 minutes in I mentally quit. The movie didn’t hear me submit.

Epilogue

With all the celebrity deaths this year, I prayed that this was not DeNero’s swan song of his professional career. It wasn’t. But I guess that leaves me with a departing message to any actor before they take a role:

If this is your last role, will you be happy with it?

Let us learn through the deaths of Garry Marshall and Florance Henderson. Let us learn to be better people that can do better things. Be a part in some of the best movies of your carrier.  I don’t know if Robert DeNero and Zac Efron would be happy if these photos below would be their last.

2016 has been a shitty year. It can’t get any worse in 2017, can it?

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Imagine if it does…

Cabin Fever (2016) Review

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Cabin Fever is one of the laziest movies I have ever seen. It feels as cheap as the movie poster that it’s advertised upon. I wrote in my review of Oujia that it was a pleasantly surprising like a four-year-old who colours in a picture inside the lines with shading. Cabin Fever is like a kid who couldn’t be bothered to colour the picture in their colouring in a book so the mother photocopied the image and claimed it was their child’s work.

Yes, that paragraph is more allegorical as it seems. You see Cabin Fever is a remake of Eli Roth’s own movie shot-for-shot from a director called Travis Z. That should ring alarm bells. It’s even worse considering Roth’s original was a terrible movie in the first place.

Because of that, I don’t mind spoiling the whole movie for you. This movie is about a group of teenagers that rent out a cabin by a lake. Throughout the film there a people bleeding all over the place, which is the fever hinted at in the title (the blood looked like paint). Slowly, the teenagers get infected and most of them die until the main protagonist realizes the disease exists solely in the water.

Warning: Basic Film-making Errors Abound

Now aside from the blatant ripoff of Eil Roth ripping off his own movie, you also have to see the DVD menu of this movie (Yes I rented. I do things old school) On the DVD menu it has the same picture of the woman weeping bleed but with the cottage and the colours are washed out (not to build the suspense. It just looks bland). The only option I could select is “Play Feature”. That’s right. No “Set Up” no “Special Features” and not even “Scene Selection”. Just “Play Feature”. If “Play Feature” the only option it begs the question “Why is there a title card in the first place”

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I am not kidding. This is a screenshot of the title card. I have never seen a title card so cheap-looking and tacky.

The way I have described the setup for this movie sounds attractive for the people who are into campy “so-bad-it’s-good” movies. If only it were that interesting. That’s because Cabin Fever is made just competently enough that there are no intentional laughs in its cinematic ineptitude. The acting is atrocious, yet it is so bland that I couldn’t laugh at it, The “scares” in the movie are not scary at all, and the music is always amplified when a “scary scene” comes up. The only reason I could identify there was a scary scene was because of the music.

Oh and speaking of music, Cabin Fever puts loud distorted music with no build up. Sometimes it was during scenes where the sketchy characters were exchanging dialogue. The music was muffling out the sounds and the words the characters were making. I went for the subtitles, but wouldn’t you know there are no subtitles available.

The Causalities

Cabin Fever is the laziest movie of the year. No question. It’s even lazier than comedies where the actors improvise. It’s even lazier than Norm of the North. This movie is not scary, nor entertaining, nor is it written well. It even goes so far to somehow mess up the sound and it’s too lazy to even have “Scene Selection” on its title menu. It is such a terrible cash grab from Eli Roth and he even failed at that. This movie only grossed approximately $40,000. It has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Cabin Fever is one of the rare films where absolutely no one wins and everyone loses. It is a void-like abyss. There is nothing on the screen to like and it’s not even because it was too gory (The gory scenes looked so fake that I didn’t care). Cabin Fever has gone beyond the realms of terrible and has made itself irredeemable in the lazy film making atrocity that was passed off as a theatrical release -***