The Ten Worst Films of 2016

Written by Nelson Cumming

People who say that Batman vs. Superman is the worst film of 2016 are funny people in my mind. Especially having seen what I have seen. It’s like complaining to a war veteran that you lost your job and that was the worst moment in your life.

Yes, I have found ten movies that were worse than Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It was, believe it or not, very easy. I didn’t even have to see Nine Lives (Retitled Mr. Fuzzypants in Australia) to get to ten before Batman vs Superman.

In celebration of dump months coming around the corner, let us get to the ten worst films of the year.

10. The Divergent Series: Allegiant.

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Kicking off with the dumbest protagonist of the year is Allegiant. All I remember from the film is really bad acting and the protagonist played by Shailene Woodley believes that the antagonist (Jeff Daniels) is a good guy despite it being clunkily obvious that he was the villain.

What is worse is that I really don’t care about this franchise, yet they split it into two parts. “Ascendent” is the final installment which comes out this year. Allegiant was a massive two hours of vacuous wasted space. I am not confident that “Ascendent” will break that trend at all.

9. Zoolander 2

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I gave this movie way too much credit in my initial review. I think that it was because it looked good in comparison to a movie I saw earlier that topped the list. I was desensitized at that point and yet I still knew this was an unfunny mess.

Zoolander 2 should be retitled “How to kill a crowd in 30 minutes”. It was a fifteen-year reunion people wanted. Then they didn’t want it. I saw the trailer and I was excited to see it. That is until I started watching the movie…

After about the 30 minute mark in my screening, the general vibe in the room changed. After 30 minutes of unfunny gags, the audience realized the movie wasn’t going to be funny at all. I felt it in the air. It was such a disappointment considering it was a classic all-star comedic cast being unfunny for over 90 minutes.

8. Warcraft

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On the opening scene of Warcraft which featured the weirdest and the most blatant ripoff of the opening scene of The Lion King, I wanted this movie to be so campy. Instead, it was a boring special effect show that was made “for the fans”

When I see a movie that is marketed “for the fans” I immediately resent it because I won’t get the references. It’s like some comedian telling inside jokes for his act: You just don’t get it.

It was so boring that I was constantly distracted by the tooth rings on the Orcs. You could tell an orc was a veteran of combat if they had a larger tooth ring piercing. I am not making this up.

7. Gods of Egypt

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Speaking of the special effects show, Gods of Egypt was a CGI shitshow. I wish I could say it was funny in its badness but I can’t. It gets so boring and its over 120 minutes long. It cost more than 100 million dollars. This was the biggest blockbuster disaster of the year.

Gods of Egypt is a movie in which all the Egyptians speak British accents (Except for Gerard Butler who uses Scottish accent), the dialogue and acting are so forced and the editing is so choppy. It gets really funny for all the wrong reasons. Then it stops becoming funny.

6. Fifty Shades of Black

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How this film is only number six is a great mystery I have not decoded. I kept thinking “How the hell was there five films worse than Fifty Shades of Black” I watched this on DVD. I paused after 24 minutes as I had enough material. I then decided to be a true movie critic and continue watching. It got worse and I regretted it.

Fifty Shades of Black has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. It is painfully unfunny. One of the lines was “Smell my breath, that is the smell of Christian Black’s balls after two hours of racketball”

This is also the last movie of Florance Henderson (That mother in the Brady Bunch) Alan Rickman was lucky to leave with Eye in the Sky. Henderson clearly wasn’t so lucky.

5. Mothers Day

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Speaking of deaths at unfortunate times, Mothers Day was the last movie Garry Marshall directed. Henderson in Fifty Shades of Black was just a cameo. Marshall’s Mothers Day was the whole thing.

It strains for so much poignancy that its eye-rolling and Marshall has a tin ear for tonal consistency. There are kids crying over their mother’s grave with tears on her tombstone. The next scene is a party with their dad raping to karaoke and everyone is having a good time. It goes up and down like a yo-yo

The movie looks bleak. The product placement is shameful. The stand-up comedian wins the competition because he brought his baby on stage (He doesn’t say anything that’s funny). This is a movie that was so frustrating to watch that I strongly considered leaving the overly sugary tripe. I stayed right through the end but I left during the outtakes.

4. Amateur Night

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This was hell to watch. It starts off with cliched melodrama and it ends with Jason Biggs getting vaginal fluids on his face. That is as philosophical as it gets. There are three girls peeing on a guy and Janet Montgomery gives a hate-filled performance.

To summarize this film I’ll paraphrase a quote from Socrates “The unexamined cunt is a life not worth living” and a paraphrased quote from Jesus Christ “Let the one among you who is without money be the first to be urinated upon”

3. Norm of the North

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I am not giving Rob Schneider a pass because he is playing a twerking polar bear. I am also not giving this film a pass because it was meant to be distributed straight to DVD. I watched this crap knowing it was going to be terrible and it was worse than what I expected.

It’s inoffensiveness could not break through the crappiest animation that I have ever seen in a movie. Nor could it break through its overly zany tone, crappy plot and inconsistent internal logic. Also, the gags are so childish and over-the-top that a child wouldn’t believe it.

I wonder why this movie didn’t see the bottom of a Walmart bin. Better yet, why did this film not see the bottom of a garbage bin? It gives a new meaning to the saying “squeeze every penny”

2, Cabin Fever

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Travis Z made a remake of a bad horror movie from 14 years ago shot for shot, except it is even cheaper looking. The blood looked like paint. I really don’t understand this movie. It had basic movie errors in sound and no one wanted a second helping, let alone a remake of Cabin Fever.

This film grossed less than $40,000. That is how I know no one wanted to see it,

1. Dirty Grandpa

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To paraphrase a quote from the Dirty Grandpa “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” this movie. Robert De Nero: Why? Zac Efron: Why? Aubrey Plaza: Why?

Dirty Grandpa is absolutely relentless. One gag after another. Gags about prison rape, child molestation, masturbation, anti-semintism, hedonism, crack, pot smocking, thumbs shoved up butts repeatedly and dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks.

All of that would have been fine had it been funny and smart instead of tacky and revolting.

Instead, we get characters who are just assholes with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The funny thing in Dirty Grandpa is that it’s a story where no supporting character attempts to save it. They just make it worse. 20 minutes in I mentally quit. The movie didn’t hear me submit.

Epilogue

With all the celebrity deaths this year, I prayed that this was not DeNero’s swan song of his professional career. It wasn’t. But I guess that leaves me with a departing message to any actor before they take a role:

If this is your last role, will you be happy with it?

Let us learn through the deaths of Garry Marshall and Florance Henderson. Let us learn to be better people that can do better things. Be a part in some of the best movies of your carrier.  I don’t know if Robert DeNero and Zac Efron would be happy if these photos below would be their last.

2016 has been a shitty year. It can’t get any worse in 2017, can it?

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Imagine if it does…

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Fifty Shades of Black: Fewer Laughs Than The Original.

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Written by Nelson Cumming

This movie is Wayan’s World. If only it was as funny as Wayne’s World. That joke I just made up was funner than any gag in in Fifty Shades of Black.

It started off with jokes on chlamydia and ended with Marlon Waynes getting a giant dildo up his asshole. Like the fate of Marlon Wayne’s character Christian Black, I found watching it was painful and hurt insides felt like white hot lead.

Fifty Shades of Black is a “spoof” of Fifty Shades of Grey. The only difference is the woman is called Hannah (Kali Hawk) and the man Christian Black (Marlon Waynes) and the majority of the cast is black. Fifty Shades of Black follows nearly shot-for-shot the movie they are trying to poke fun of. The end result for me was myself poking fun at it.

Painfully Unfunny Characters Abound

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Jenny Zigrino (Kateesha) playing a sassy black girl despite the fact that she is white. It is as bad as that sounds.

There are so many characters that are so annoying and unbelievable even for a spoof movie. Jenny Zigrino plays Kateesha who is a white woman being the most stereotypical black woman imaginable and it’s hard to hear what she is saying with the loud sass in her voice. It got so bad I hated her every time I saw her.

Do you want another bad character? How about a character called Jessie played by an actor called King Back (I am not making this up) He plays a black photographer who unflatteringly tries to hook up with Hanna only to do the “you misheard me” routine to cover himself when Hannah is repulsed. Oh and you realize he knows karate when he’s threatened. He sounds like Chris Tucker on cocaine.

Broke-ass Poor Dialogue.

What could possibly be worse than the actors you say? How about the dialogue. It is as painful as waiting in line for a prostate exam. Five minutes of the dialogue felt like an eternity. The dialogue in Fifty Shades of Black is worse than London has Fallen and that is saying something.

Such lines like “You look like a thumb that was yanked out of an asshole” were one of the better ones; In reference to a woman’s breath: “That’s the smell of (Christian Black’s) balls after two hours of racketball” was another. The worst line also had blatant product placement “A Mac? I licked seven guy’s assholes and only got a Dell!”

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There were two more lines that were hilariously ironic. When Black recites the Fifty Shades of Grey novel he says “This is fifty shades of fucking terrible, Who wrote this a third grader?” The other one had to do with Black not knowing Osama Bin Laden was dead for five years. He says “I don’t keep up with current events” when the movie continuously lampoons on recent movies, product placement and contemporary culture.

The Set Design. A Minor Breath of Relief

Despite the poor acting and the horrible, laughable dialogue, there are two redeeming things about the movie. The first one is the set designers as I could tell they meticulously got all the equipment and locations to near-perfect detail. I saw effort in there that I needed to acknowledge.

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You can tell the set designers actually watched Fifty Shades of Grey and made it look authentic. If I took out all the characters, you wouldn’t be able to tell which is which.

The second moment was when Black is told to give Hannah the worst in the form of domination. The camera pans across the whips with labels like “Glory” “12 Years a Slave” “Django Unchained” before finally going to the “Joseph Jackson” belt. That was the only time I smiled, laughing with the movie and not at it.

Those two things obviously could not redeem the movie. I could not believe I wasted money on it. This is another film to Marlon Waynes inglorious canon of films such as “A Haunted House” and “White Chicks” I’d rather watch Fifty Shades of Grey. I’d rather watch almost anything again. DUD