Transformers: (Hopefully) The Last Knight

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Acting: ⭐⭐
Build: -☠☠
Writing: -☠☠
Characters: DUD
Visuals: ⭐⭐⭐

Transformers: The Last Knight is like Batman vs. Superman overloaded with more vacuity. It starts off with promise before the story gets lost in the bad humor, slow motions, unfunny jokes, fast cars and overbloated special effects.

At the end of the movie a child said to his father “Daddy that movie was so awesome. I took two naps!” I thought “You lucky bastard”. I was not surprised if anyone got multiple naps in as the movie went for 149 minutes.

The story to Transformers: The Last Knight begins with a segment of the story of King Arthur and Merlin before it segways into Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) and Laura Haddock (Viviane Wembly) being the present day embodiment of the medieval characters as the try to save the world from Transformers that crash land into earth.

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I can see the difference between two bulking scraps of metal in Transformers: The Last Knight. That’s a good start!

There were so many things that were wrong with this picture but the one good thing was the cinematography at a certain level. Transformers: The Last Knight does look visually pleasing and I can tell which Transformer was fighting what or whom. I could even tell which one was winning.

Beyond that what you have got here is an overblown, convoluted mess. The sound was too loud, the script was full of anti-wit containing moronic unfunny jokes and dumb insults, each scene feels like forever and you just lose complete focus because of the structural mayhem.

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Bay’s pyrotechnician.

The structual mayhem primarily comes from the editing. The movie just cannot cut away fast enough to get the next shot from the multiple camera angles that Michael Bay set up. You are given absolutely no room to breathe or take anything in. It aims to do a 149 minute sprint by which I did not (nor any reasonable person should) have the stamina for that speed.

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Every second shot, the aspect ratio changes (the black bars on the screen)

What made the cinematography and editing even worse is I noticed the images were stretching in and out constantly. What I had realized was that Transformers: The Last Knight changes aspect ratio nearly every single shot. Once I noticed this, I could not help but notice the black bars on the screen changing sizes. It was distracting as hell to watch.

Transformers: The Last Knight was a film that I expected and dreaded because the June/July session is when movie studios put their blockbusters out on release and normally any semblance or sanity or even excitement is crushed by the weight of visual and auditory sensation.This is often done without and substance, context or justification. To paraphrase The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot. Transformers: The Last Knight is “Shape without form, shade without color, paralyzed force, gesture without motion” This movie talks about the chosen knight but has the heart and soul of a hollow man, a stuffed man. ⭐

P.S. The revisionist history this film make up is hilarious. In this movie, autobots were responsible for the toppling of the Third Reich, the abolishment of slavery, the medival Chinese wars and toppling the Saxons. In the movie there are photographs and sketchings of the autobots and yet the movie want me to believe that the transformers did it all secretly.